2020 – the year I was lost at sea

Some time last year, at around this very date and at this very time if I recall correctly, I sat at my dining table with my newly unwrapped planner, which I had gifted myself at Christmas, feeling excited about writing down my initial thoughts for 2020.

It was a planner I had purchased from an online community and stationery brand in Australia called Leaders in Heels. I was super excited to be part of this little community of empowered and inspirational women – some entrepreneurs, some freelancers, some established and certified professionals in their respective fields, and many of whom are also mothers like me.

My then 2-week-old baby was napping within my sight. My then 3-year-old daughter was in daycare, and my husband was back at work.

I spent a good time staring at the first page of this planner, where at the very top were the words “INTENTIONS & GOALS SUMMARY” printed clearly, in uppercase, and staring back at me was a flower diagram, where I should write my “Theme word for the year” right in the very middle of the page. Branching out from this circle in the middle of the diagram were six “petals” where I would write down six aspects to support this overarching theme.

I thought long and hard about my theme word for the year. My two-week-old baby stirred in her sleep, and then continued sleeping away. I thought about how she would grow and develop in the months ahead, and how that would create the ripple effects of the changes that her big sister would have to overcome, our family dynamic, and fundamentally, looking inward, me, myself, as a mother and individual.

So I chose “Growth” to be my theme word for 2020.

And in the spirit of being intentional for the year ahead, I wrote down six things that I wanted to nurture for the year.

After about a good hour of reflecting and writing my thoughts down, I closed the book, with a plan to revisit it towards the end of my maternity leave, just before I would be back to work.

And so I set sail at sea on my voyage that was to be the year 2020.

– –

By now, we all know what were to unfold in the months afterwards. COVID-19 struck, with Singapore being one of the first countries to have picked up the cases. It blew up to be a global pandemic some time in April, and just the week before I was set to return to work, the country went into lockdown.

With two young kids in tow, and having to return to work in circumstances I did not expect, I was thrown off my game. Just like everyone else, our priorities shifted. As the situation continued to evolve, all our energies were focused on surviving, but not thriving. And therefore everything that I had written down in my planner became irrelevant.

Or so I thought.

I never revisited this planner again for the rest of the year, and suddenly it felt like I was lost in the middle of the ocean with no compass in hand.

– –

I finally made it back on land, after being battered by a hurricane, with powerful winds and towering walls of water slamming into my ship. I lost some possessions along the way, but I made it out alive. I finally got my hands on my compass. My first thought was that this is now moot and did not serve its purpose.

But I looked at my planner again and realised that I had indeed achieved my goal. This had been a year of growth – I just needed to reframe my thoughts on how I had come to it.

The most life changing event for me personally this year was of course losing my father in July, who died after a 13-year battle with a chronic respiratory illness. That was the biggest blow for me, given the close relationship we had as I took on the duty of caregiver after losing my mother in 2007.

The months that unfolded subsequently were indeed painful. There were days when I thought I had made progress with myself, only to spiral back into the pits of grief and depression the very next day.

When I finally decided to be kind to myself and took a couple of months to slow down and look inward, I finally achieved clarity of mind to pull myself out of the gloom.

I may have lost my “compass” along the way, but truth is, the lighthouse has always been far out in the horizon, waiting to guide me back.

As I sit here today, thinking back about this voyage that just concluded, I am thankful for the lighthouse of love, compassion and humility that have guided me back. I overcame my pride and shot an aerial flare to ask for help. And it was only then when I could find my way to safe harbour.

I’m now on this “land” I had not expected to be. But I’m not lost, I’m just exploring a new territory.